My back has gone out more than I have this year.
You Might Also Like
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Lmfaoooooo
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Watermelon Boss!
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets