When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
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The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I’m giving up for Lent.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.