I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
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I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Love this guy
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.