Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.