Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I cannot call her anything else now
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.