i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
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Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.