Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
My neck, my back, my…
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?