my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
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My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Otters see a butterfly.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.