[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half