Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
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One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro