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My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?