It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
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School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
What an awful time to have common sense.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”