*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.