Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
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{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I will never stop laughing at this
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”