That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?