Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do