people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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Made something I’m not proud of
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*