If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
You Might Also Like
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
🚲+physics = winner
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.