A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
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I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I hate everything
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]