Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
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what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry