one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
ugh not again
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer