hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.