(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
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Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
what the
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
This checks out
Day 2 of my diet
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food