Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.