[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
British websites use biscuits.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture: