Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free