wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”