JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
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There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”