BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Shower sex be like:
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.