What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Every BBC series about the universe.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.