7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
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My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Fights fire with marshmallows
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…