[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Oh yeh? Explain this then
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.