Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
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Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)