Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
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Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
No point crayon over spilled milk.
*frowns in Scottish*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
when you order from DoorDastardly
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you