Snapes on a plane.
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Straight people are cancelled
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
I wish I could veto my bills.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley