look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
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Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!