Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
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WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Do not steal food from the science building!
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes