[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I am having an out of money experience.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.