[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
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Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION