Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
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I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.