Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
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Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My Guy
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.