Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees