Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
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If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Sounds like a bargain
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket