Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
sin harder.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us