I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
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Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Proofread twice, hang posters once
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.