Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
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Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
cats when you pet them too long:
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Goat cheese is for herders.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.