*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.