I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
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I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question