Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
iPhone X
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.