Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
uncle dave has been through hell
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.